That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
