Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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