Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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