I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
