yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize