I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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