it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
