I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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