I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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