He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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