I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
