Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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