PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
