I just pynch a tree in the face
love makes seman taste better
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize