Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
