I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
