I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
