Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize