Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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