Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
