dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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