I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
