what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
