She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
