Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
