we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
