i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I would ride that face into the sunset
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
