so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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