If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
