I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
