They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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