I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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