Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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