I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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