His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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