i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
third nipple confirmed
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
