i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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