Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he shaved USA in his pubs
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
