people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Four minutes until I can fart!
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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