I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize