Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
