I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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