I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
