You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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