Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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