I skipped work to stalk him.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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