i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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