Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
