oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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