He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
