...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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