don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
