Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Pants 0. Shit 1.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
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