Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
