this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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