Your face is a jimmy john
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
