Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It was like getting head from an anaconda
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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