Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
