He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
