I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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