i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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